Lying Awake in Bed with Scary Thoughts – Part 2
Lying Awake in Bed with Scary Thoughts – Part 2
Here’s part two of the conversation I had with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a number of years about shifting one's focus and repetitive thinking.
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I sometimes would watch comedians on YouTube. There are a lot of short clips nowadays, so you can just watch a series of only the funny bits. I really like Pete Holmes lately.
So, when I say stop focusing on what doesn't feel good, it's not that a thought won't arise; it's about what you "do" with it. I'm saying do nothing with it and leave it entirely. If it were a person you were having a conversation with, leave the room or leave the house completely. Abandon it. Who cares if it's there?
Once you start abandoning it, it will begin to dissolve and then show up less and less. Until one day it might arise, and you'll realize you've not seen this thought in a long time. Huh.
I once used the analogy of a homeless person with a client who had severe lifelong anxiety that resolved in a couple of months. If you are walking past someone who is on a street corner yelling at passers-by, and you stop and engage with them in any way, they are likely to start following you and yelling at you. If you quickly walk by and don't engage with them or even look at them, they aren't likely to notice you, and you will soon forget about the encounter altogether. They aren't going to follow you home and pop up around corners uninvited. So, then you don't care if you see someone from time to time yelling on a street corner because it has nothing to do with you.
It's the same with intrusive, unwanted repetitive thoughts, no matter the content.
The content or "psychology" of a thought or thinking is a red herring, a false clue. It never leads anywhere. It only leads to more thoughts. There is nothing to resolve. We don't need to fix anything. There is nothing to make sense of or find a place for. It doesn't mean anything about us. We aren't the kind of person who ___. It isn't telling us anything about anything. This type of activity only serves to reinforce and strengthen the thought patterns.
The nature of thought is fleeting. It goes on its merry way when completely ignored. Imagine a person yelling at you who is standing beside you. You have the choice of paying attention to them and listening to their hurtful words, or you can turn your back and give your attention to something else. Turn on a movie. They are still there yelling, but you are now engrossed in the movie. Maybe laughing. You can leave and go into another room. Eventually, they won't exist anymore. They will become more and more see-through. Like a ghost from another lifetime. Like a memory you can't quite remember. It's as if we are being very polite to our hurtful thoughts. As if we are afraid to hurt its feelings if we ignore it and don't listen to it.
At night, I would also deliberately focus on ocean waves or the waves at Sauble Beach in particular, and that little bit of spray along the top of the wave as it curls over to break. I have always found that to be relaxing. If fear crept in or any other negative sensation or particular thought or image, I would notice and go to those waves or put the light on and look at the silver-grey curtains because I like their shimmer, or I would get up and walk around for a while looking at whatever was in front of me and enjoy feeling the movement. Or put on some laughs from a comedian. Anything that feels better in any way. Or if you can't find better, look for less crappy. Then, from there, find an even less crappy feeling. And so on.
I also see depression differently as well. When we get into habits of overthinking or overanalyzing painful thoughts, it wears us down. We aren't meant to use thought in this way. It hurts. We can only take so much of it. When our system becomes overloaded, we feel depressed because we need a rest. It's like being thirsty when our body needs water. It's our body and our brain telling us to slow down and then eventually forcing us to slow down. Motivation goes away. A person might want to lie in bed all day because that's what their system needs. The "cure", as it were, is to internally slow down and stop overthinking. How do you do that? Walk away from the urgent repetition as I wrote about above. It's not getting you anything and is hurting you. Move towards anything that feels good. Notice momentary calm. Go back to calm over and over. Notice when you fall out of thinking. Do more of that. Deliberately see "How slow can I go?"
I hope this makes sense and helps. There's a lot here. Let me know how it goes once you get a chance to experiment and play with it.
Much Love,
Sara
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